A very personal update…

A very personal update…

Update 21 October 2019… I am so pleased, reading through this again, that I have persevered. I still have not rolled another although I still love the smell of others smoking.

I realise I feel better & happier so maybe I am pulling though. When I asked a friend who is a GP why I had been getting odd ailments, puffy lymph nodes & feeling depressed she said “your body is going through a massive detox… homeostasis will take a while to recover & re-establish itself”

I have decided to take some supplements to speed up recovery. I have been taking powdered Vitamin C daily for years & I eat my own probiotic fermented veg but I have now added in apricot kernels & Noni juice.

First published 14 June 2019

I’m struggling with being productive, I’m struggling with concentration, I’m struggling with focus & I feel miserable


Because exactly two weeks ago I went to stay with my friend, June in Norfolk, who is a hypnotherapy tutor. I had been delaying going to visit for months because I had decided to have BWRT® * the next time I went, to stop smoking.

I started smoking when I was 13 years old & the only time I didn’t smoke was for three years from when I was pregnant with my youngest son until I went back to work.

I was careful to never smoke anything with any chemicals in it. I only smoked additive free tobacco & used liquorice papers. Additive free tobacco is very hard to find nowadays & I made a 30g pouch last 7 days, so on a Sunday night I panicked in case I ran out.

Over the last few years I had made a mental note to cut down & even tore the papers in half lengthways.

I started talking to people about ‘being on the other side’, about being a non-smoker all of which was gradually preparing me. I never ever smoked inside the house & I disliked being near other smokers.

My youngest son, who was verbally critical, [a good thing] had a new doorbell fitted to his house which is linked to his phone & video so when I stayed with him I continuously set the flipping thing off when I nipped outside 🙂

A year ago I started to read the Alan Carr book ~ it says to keep smoking whilst reading it ~ but the version I had was dated 2004 & just made me laugh. It talks about people lighting up between courses at dinner & buying ashtrays as gifts for friends. It’s still open on the dining table at page 89.

I have horrible remembrances of my Grandfather having a hacking cough. He died aged 88 in sheltered housing not able bodied. That is what I did not want to happen to me.

Over time June cleverly said ‘just let me know when you’re ready’.

Would I ever be ready? I like smoking, I like being a rebel … oh jeez how daft does that sound?

Time & circumstance dictated that I went to stay from 30 May to 3 June & at 14:00 on 31 May I sat down with June for BWRT. That is two weeks ago precisely.

I have not smoked.

I cannot panic in case I run out because I have a pouch in the car. I put the tin that was kept in the kitchen on a shelf in the sitting room & the other pouch, papers & lighters I put in an old handbag in a trunk in the spare bedroom.

There are definitely bad spots in the day. 7:00 to 12:00 is the worst. It’s not that I want to smoke its a sort of taste in my mouth & a deep breath that isn’t being satisfied.

I am fortunate that my eldest son has called me most days to see how I’m faring…

I tried eating sherbert boiled sweets & just felt sick [I haven’t eaten sugar for over 5 years] so threw them in the bin. I tried chewing liquorice sticks & that is just like chewing wood. How on earth did people discover the flavouring originally? Nothing helps, I am alone with this [hopefully] diminishing demon.

I have not coughed & people say I look better. I am able to hold a shoulder stand in yoga without spluttering & swim at speed but alone, with only myself for company, I am very often tearful & miserable. I do wonder if I will ever feel any better or if it’s like being an alcoholic who just hasn’t had a drink for two weeks

I expect if I explore my psyche I will find that smoking has suppressed something, damped down my responses or that smoking it attached to something in my past… but that can wait for a bit

So… I would just like to say that I don’t smoke, I am a non-smoker [my new mantra]

*BWRT® = Brain Work Recursive Therapy ~ the brainchild of Terence Watts & taught by June Hale https://lyonessetraining.co.uk


  1. Amanda says:

    I am also a non smoker, nearly 10yrs. Can’t even remember smoking, and l was a chain smoker. It really does get easier, carrot sticks helped me, plus they can give you a lovely orange glow.

  2. Dee Mack says:

    Good for you and extremely well done! I gave up smoking in 1980 and, while it was hard initially, I was very glad. Keep on fighting the urge, suddenly one day you will wake up and the urge will be gone… soon.

  3. Gill says:

    Well done!!! Thinking if you xxx

  4. Sally says:

    Well done. Every day is another hurdle conquered, another achievement.
    Try not to look too far ahead. It will get easier I’m sure but do focus on how well you’re doing.

  5. Debbie Rayner says:

    Well done Susie….. keep at it xx from cousin Debbie x

  6. Emily says:

    AMAZING Susie! I am SOOOO proud of you- that is incredible.
    Keep going-every moment you manage, is one less moment to have to do – and is one moment further away from where you were. Inspiring and awesome, well done!
    Love ya,
    Emily xx

  7. Lara says:

    My lovely friend Susie, Well done, Amazing!!! Keep going…..it will get easier Iam sure….Easier & Brighter xxx

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