Update 21 October 2019… I am so pleased, reading through this again, that I have persevered. I still have not rolled another although I still love the smell of others smoking.

I realise I feel better & happier so maybe I am pulling though. When I asked a friend who is a GP why I had been getting odd ailments, puffy lymph nodes & feeling depressed she said “your body is going through a massive detox… homeostasis will take a while to recover & re-establish itself”

I have decided to take some supplements to speed up recovery. I have been taking powdered Vitamin C daily for years & I eat my own probiotic fermented veg but I have now added in apricot kernels & Noni juice.

First published 14 June 2019

I’m struggling with being productive, I’m struggling with concentration, I’m struggling with focus & I feel miserable

Why?

Because exactly two weeks ago I went to stay with my friend, June in Norfolk, who is a hypnotherapy tutor. I had been delaying going to visit for months because I had decided to have BWRT® * the next time I went, to stop smoking.

I started smoking when I was 13 years old & the only time I didn’t smoke was for three years from when I was pregnant with my youngest son until I went back to work.

I was careful to never smoke anything with any chemicals in it. I only smoked additive free tobacco & used liquorice papers. Additive free tobacco is very hard to find nowadays & I made a 30g pouch last 7 days, so on a Sunday night I panicked in case I ran out.

Over the last few years I had made a mental note to cut down & even tore the papers in half lengthways.

I started talking to people about ‘being on the other side’, about being a non-smoker all of which was gradually preparing me. I never ever smoked inside the house & I disliked being near other smokers.

My youngest son, who was verbally critical, [a good thing] had a new doorbell fitted to his house which is linked to his phone & video so when I stayed with him I continuously set the flipping thing off when I nipped outside 🙂

A year ago I started to read the Alan Carr book ~ it says to keep smoking whilst reading it ~ but the version I had was dated 2004 & just made me laugh. It talks about people lighting up between courses at dinner & buying ashtrays as gifts for friends. It’s still open on the dining table at page 89.

I have horrible remembrances of my Grandfather having a hacking cough. He died aged 88 in sheltered housing not able bodied. That is what I did not want to happen to me.

Over time June cleverly said ‘just let me know when you’re ready’.

Would I ever be ready? I like smoking, I like being a rebel … oh jeez how daft does that sound?

Time & circumstance dictated that I went to stay from 30 May to 3 June & at 14:00 on 31 May I sat down with June for BWRT. That is two weeks ago precisely.

I have not smoked.

I cannot panic in case I run out because I have a pouch in the car. I put the tin that was kept in the kitchen on a shelf in the sitting room & the other pouch, papers & lighters I put in an old handbag in a trunk in the spare bedroom.

There are definitely bad spots in the day. 7:00 to 12:00 is the worst. It’s not that I want to smoke its a sort of taste in my mouth & a deep breath that isn’t being satisfied.

I am fortunate that my eldest son has called me most days to see how I’m faring…

I tried eating sherbert boiled sweets & just felt sick [I haven’t eaten sugar for over 5 years] so threw them in the bin. I tried chewing liquorice sticks & that is just like chewing wood. How on earth did people discover the flavouring originally? Nothing helps, I am alone with this [hopefully] diminishing demon.

I have not coughed & people say I look better. I am able to hold a shoulder stand in yoga without spluttering & swim at speed but alone, with only myself for company, I am very often tearful & miserable. I do wonder if I will ever feel any better or if it’s like being an alcoholic who just hasn’t had a drink for two weeks

I expect if I explore my psyche I will find that smoking has suppressed something, damped down my responses or that smoking it attached to something in my past… but that can wait for a bit

So… I would just like to say that I don’t smoke, I am a non-smoker [my new mantra]

*BWRT® = Brain Work Recursive Therapy ~ the brainchild of Terence Watts & taught by June Hale https://lyonessetraining.co.uk